Just thousands of funny jokes


Sex N Football

Submitted by Danny Mendoza T Mendoza on Wed, the 9th of February, 2005, 9:13 am

Do you remember primary school / junior high / high school? Do you
remember talking about ' the bases' with your friends?... Well
forget ' em!! This is * * FOOTBALL * *. With the all new standardized
guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous
complications of having to remember what second base was or any
of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball
and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing,
and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it
to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the
soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at.
Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one
has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the
complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The
Original Handbook of Football!

Okay now for the yard lines. your 1 0 yrd ln..... holding hands "
2 0 yrd ln..... hugging " 3 0 yrd ln..... kiss on the cheek " 4 0 yrd
ln..... kiss on the mouth " 5 0 yrd ln..... tongue kiss ( mid-field
means it's serious ) his / her 4 0 yrd ln..... shirt and bra off
( feeling and carousing ) 3 0 yrd ln..... all clothes off ( genital
contact, mutual masturbation ) 2 0 yrd ln..... oral sex 1 st and
goal.. put on the condom Goal line..... touchdown ( sexual
intercourse )

Now for some important definitions:

Kickoff-- making the first move ( asking for a date ) Kicking it
deep-- asking out a virgin ( starting out deep in your own end )
On-side kick-- asking out a slut / stud ( starting out close to
mid-field ) Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date
Downs-- attempt to get more yards ( 2 down and then you have to
punt again ) - - you get an extra down in the NFL Running the
ball-- taking it a yard at a time Passing-- skipping stages /
yards Fumble-- impotency Fumble recovery-- regain erection
Interception-- going the other...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

Submitted by Uncle Sonny Humor on Mon, the 18th of March, 2002, 8:28 pm

2 5. It's OK to bleed during play

2 4. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

2 3. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

2 2. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

2 1. You can still play when you get married.

2 0. You can change on the fly.

1 9. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

1 8. If you can't get it up, who cares.

1 7. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

1 6. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over

1 5. It is broadcast live on TV.

1 4. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

1 3. You...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

Swapping Wife for Season Ticket

Submitted by Meghan LaLonde on Thu, the 18th of September, 2003, 6:20 am

Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed
in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. " Listen to
this, she said. " There's a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.

" Hmmm, her husband said...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

How's My Cat?

Submitted by sum messed up retard on Fri, the 16th of February, 2001, 12:47 pm

Jim asked his friend Terri if he would watch his cat while he's
on vacation. " Not a problem. Terri says. One day after his
vacation starts Jim calls Terri to see how his cat is doing.
Terri tells him the cat died.

Jim goes beserk, " Why on the first day of my vacation do you
tell me my cat died. You could have said she was missing, then
the next time I call you could of said she was in the tree but...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

Pack for Fishing Trip

Submitted by Matt Zeypher on Tue, the 8th of July, 2003, 12:42 pm

A man called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and told
her to pack his bags for a fishing trip. He told her that he and
some guys from work were going fishing for the weekend. " Pack
some clothes, get out my fishing poles and tackle box, and don't
forget my blue silk pajamas, he explained to her. The wife...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )


Submitted by Zarra on Thu, the 16th of November, 2000, 5:57 pm

A man and his wife are driving on the highway. Suddenly the wife
starts talking, " I want a divorce. I want the kids, the house,
the car, and the money. The man doesn't say...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

Going Out

Submitted by Benjamin J Condie on Sun, the 12th of June, 2005, 12:16 pm

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One
Saturday, as mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father
stepped up behind her. " Would you like to go out, girl? he

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

Daitng rules

Submitted by E D on Sat, the 3rd of January, 2004, 2:25 pm

Kalie and Zoes rules of dating.

Before getting together

1. Make your feelings clear, once you've made a statement of
this, do NOT change your mind or screw the person about.
2. You are not allowed to say I love you and then a week later
say no i dont, if youre not sure whether the feelings will last...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

Creative Dating

Submitted by The Dudeman on Tue, the 24th of June, 2003, 9:11 am

things to do on dates...

swing on swings
people-watch while walking around
watch UFOs
drive around and look at houses in ritzy neighborhoods
paint a mural on your bedroom wall
jump in leaf piles
go on mysterious double dates
have a water fight
have a food fight
visit caves
go creeking
play frisbee golf
play mud volleyball
play childrens games
imitate animals and try to guess them
clean out a closet together
be a counselor for a day camp...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )

zoe and kals dating tips cont

Submitted by sick on Wed, the 23rd of July, 2003, 5:35 am

When you are going out together
1. Avoid at all costs comparing your current boyfriends faults
with your ex boyfriends good points.
2. ( No offence to women ) But women do have a tendency to nag,
men will always be the laid back ones who dont seem to give a
damn whether or not they see you often, whether they do or not
remains a mystery.
3. Avoid the green monster!!! ( JEALOUSY!
4. Dont nag. Discuss situations which have occured, either on
the phone or face to face, not txts or internet.
5. A texting relationship, is a dreadful relationship. This is
because everything is slang, eg I luv u? Spelt wrong, it just
dont have the same effect as when spelt properly or said with
true feeling.
6. Make sure you talk about sex issues when you feel ready for
it, dont leave things unsaid or you wont know where you stand
with each other.
7. Lads! Please try, make an effort, it doesnt exactly make a
girl feel too great when her boyfriend acts like he doesnt want
to spend quality time with her, eg time spent alone.
kidding, well it can get a ickle bit annoyin sometimes but also
sweet )
9. Give your girlfriend help when she is giving you sexual
favours, eg point out what you like best, this goes both ways...

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( category: sex & gender -> relationships )
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