1. Hey would you like to send the day at the outlet mall?
2. Oh My God!!! you got your nails done
3. Oh no I don't want to go to the football game. Let's stay
home and cuddle.
4. I don't think you have enough shoes....
sex & gender
1. Hey would you like to send the day at the outlet mall?
One day a man decides to go to the beach. Not just any beach,
but a nudist beach. After he arrives, he finds a soft patch of
sand, lays out his towel, and settles in, reading a magazine.
Five minutes later, a young boy of about five, walks over and
asks: " What is that? The man, startled by the shrill voice,
answered, obviously annoyed, " That is my duck. The boy
replies, " Can I play with her? The man goes, " No, go away.
Another five minutes pass, and the boy returns to him, asking a
similar-yet-different question: " What are those? The man rolls
his eyes and says, " Those are the duck's eggs. The boy asks,
" Can I play with them? The man says again, " No, go away! Yet
another five minutes pass, and the boy comes back. " What is that
hairy thing?, he asks. The man begrudgingly says, " That is the
duck's nest. The boy asks, " Can I play...
An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. " Where did you get
such a rockin' bike? asked the first. The second engineer
replied, " Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said
' Take what you want. " The second engineer nodded approvingly.
" Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a
family. With that as his mission he began searching for the
After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east
coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who
had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his
breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking
for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, " They're all lookin' to get married,
so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide
which one you wanna marry.
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion. " Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that...
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1 ) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2 ) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
3 ) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4 ) Never ask your 3 - year old brother to hold a tomato.
5 ) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6 ) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7 ) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9 ) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
1 0 ) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1 ) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2 ) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the
time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3 ) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4 ) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
5 ) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6 ) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not...
What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad
One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit
There were three guys who needed somewhere to sleep. There was a
barn full of chickes, a barn full of cows, and a bran full of 1 8
naked women. The first guy slept with the chickens the next wiht
the cows and then the next with the 1 8 naked women. The next...
Do you remember primary school / junior high / high school? Do you
remember talking about ' the bases' with your friends?... Well
forget ' em!! This is * * FOOTBALL * *. With the all new standardized
guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous
complications of having to remember what second base was or any
of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball
and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing,
and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it
to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the
soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at.
Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one
has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the
complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The
Original Handbook of Football!
Okay now for the yard lines. your 1 0 yrd ln..... holding hands "
2 0 yrd ln..... hugging " 3 0 yrd ln..... kiss on the cheek " 4 0 yrd
ln..... kiss on the mouth " 5 0 yrd ln..... tongue kiss ( mid-field
means it's serious ) his / her 4 0 yrd ln..... shirt and bra off
( feeling and carousing ) 3 0 yrd ln..... all clothes off ( genital
contact, mutual masturbation ) 2 0 yrd ln..... oral sex 1 st and
goal.. put on the condom Goal line..... touchdown ( sexual
Now for some important definitions:
Kickoff-- making the first move ( asking for a date ) Kicking it
deep-- asking out a virgin ( starting out deep in your own end )
On-side kick-- asking out a slut / stud ( starting out close to
mid-field ) Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date
Downs-- attempt to get more yards ( 2 down and then you have to
punt again ) - - you get an extra down in the NFL Running the
ball-- taking it a yard at a time Passing-- skipping stages /
yards Fumble-- impotency Fumble recovery-- regain erection
Interception-- going the other...
There is a room full of pregnant women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching
the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, " Ladies, exercise is good for you....
The Top 2 0 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast... That Sound
Dirty - - But Aren't
2 0. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
1 9. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
1 8. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
1 7. It's a game of inches.
1 6. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
1 5. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start
1 4. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow....