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buddists / monks

What To Do At Church

Submitted by funnychica17 on Fri, the 1st of April, 2005, 3:57 pm

1. Walk into a church. Sit for about 5 min. into servce.
Stand up and say " Oh Sh * t This Isn't The F * cking Wedding ". Then...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Eating Monks

Submitted by Nina on Wed, the 11th of February, 2004, 3:24 am

There once was a cannibal that was very hungry. He went to the
local convent and got a monk. He went back to his house and
boiled the...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Oh Buddah

Submitted by Draco Malfoy on Tue, the 9th of April, 2002, 5:27 pm

One say this guy was sky diving. When the man went to
pull the rip cord and it wouldnt open. The man was terrified for
his...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Religeous Prostitue

Submitted by Holly K Ayres on Sat, the 3rd of March, 2001, 5:40 am

A monk was walking along the road when he met a prostitute. She
explained that for $ 5 he could have the best sex ever.
The monk quickly agreed and she told him to meet her at 6: 0 and
gave him her
address.

Not 5 minutes latter a priest is stopped by the girl. Again she
explains that for $ 5 he can have what he wants. The priest looks
around and then says yes. She tells him her address and to be
there at 6: 0.

Just as the priest disappeared around the corner Jesus walked
by. Once again the prostitute barred his path. Jesus couldn't
believe his luck, $ 5! He accepted her offer and hurried on.

At 6: 0 that evening the monk, the priest and Jesus all met up on
the front doorstep of the prostitue's house. At first they were a
little confused but they decided to have a good time together.

The prostitiue let them in and led them to her bedroom where
they started stripping and fondling each other. Just at that
moment they heard a key in the lock. " Shit! It's my husband! the...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Can't tell ya.

Submitted by Emily Eddy on Thu, the 28th of June, 2001, 8:21 am

A man worked at a gas station out in the middle of no where.
One
day when he was driving home from work and he ran out of gas
( how ironic ). So the man walks and walks and eventually he
comes upon a monestary.

He asks a monk at the monstary, " Can I stay here over night?
My car ran out of gas.

The monk replies, " You may. But you musn't come out of your
room between the hours of 1 2 am and 6 am.

The man replies, " That's fine with me. The monk takes him
to his room, and the man falls asleep.

About 1 2 midnight the man is roused from his sleep by a
horrible groaning noise that was coming from the basement. He
gets out of his bed to see what it is, but remembers the monk
saying that he couldn't leave his room between 1 2 and 6 am. The
groaning keeps the man awake all night long until it finally
stops at 6.

The next morning the man asks the monk from yesterday, " What
was that racket coming from the basement?

" I can't tell you. You're not a monk, the...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Shit Happens

Submitted by WonderWoman N Super Man on Mon, the 3rd of January, 2005, 3:01 pm

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, " Shit happens ".

ZEN: ( What is the sound of shit happening?

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it
really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

1 2 - STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.

DEISM: Shit just happens....

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Heaven and Room 8

Submitted by Cindy A Spencer on Fri, the 9th of May, 2003, 10:27 pm

A man is ready to enter the pearly white gates of heaven and St.
Peter asks, " Religion?

The man answers, " Muslim.

St. Peter replies, " ok, go to room 2 3 but be quiet as you go by
room 8.

The man says thank you and goes on his way. Another man enters
and St. Peter asks, " Religion?

The man tells Peter, " Buddhist.

St. Peter answers, " go to room 1 7 but be quiet as you pass room
8.
...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

The Monks Are Coming

Submitted by will on Tue, the 25th of September, 2001, 1:42 pm

There's a big hill. On one side of this hill sits a monastery,
on the other side there is a convent. In the middle, on top of
the hill, there is a pub.

One day the monks decided to go for a night out to the pub. At
about 1 1. 0 pm the Abbott at the monastery receives a phone call.

" Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. I'm afraid your monks have gotten rather drunk at the
pub tonight and are on their way down the wrong side of the
hill!

The Abbott reassures her, " Don't worry, they'll soon realize
their mistake and turn back.

1 0 minutes later he receives another call from the worried
Sister.

" Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. I'm afraid your monks are still on their way down the
wrong side of the hill and now they're getting rather close to
the...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Change from Within

Submitted by CalGirl on Mon, the 16th of September, 2002, 11:01 am

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says, " Make
me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
master...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )

Religious Vocation?

Submitted by Erin Lord on Sun, the 5th of December, 2004, 3:57 pm

A young man concludes that the religious life is for him.
Accordingly he joins an order with a strict vow of silence.
There is one exception to the rule however. Every ten years each
monk is allowed to speak three words but the alloted words may
be spoken only to the abbot.

Ten years pass. Our friend dutifully enters the abbot's cell and
speaks his three words. He says, " Bed is...

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( category: religion -> buddists / monks )
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