Just thousands of funny jokes

dumb criminals

3 Burglers

Submitted by Pretzelkin on Thu, the 23rd of January, 2003, 1:43 am

There were three burglers. One night, they decided to make a
heist at the bank. So that evening, they put on their black
shirts, black pants, black shoes, ski masks, etc. They quietly
snuck to the bank, and broke in. Too bad the alarm went off. So,
they ran. They came to a garbage dump, and went off to find
hiding places. All three of them crept into bags, and waited.
The police finaly came to the garbage dump, and split up to look
for them. One officer came upon a burgler ( hidden...

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Stealing Guns

Submitted by K S on Mon, the 13th of January, 2003, 2:29 pm

Homosassa, Florida. A man went into a hardware store to apply
for a job. After completing his application he then went to the
section of the store that sold guns. He asked to see a...

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Burning Fork

Submitted by Stinky Balboa on Tue, the 27th of August, 2002, 11:11 pm

As a kid I was always tormented by my older brother at dinner
time. He would always sit next to me, always get there before i
did, and and he would always lick my fork. When he did this I
couldn't use it any more and had to get a new one. After a few
nights of getting up and retrieving a new fork I got an...

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Submitted by Gurneet Mayal on Sat, the 8th of November, 2003, 7:05 pm

There was once three men caught by an army and and they were
going to get they're head shot off. The first man stands in
front of the army and sees them all with guns in they're hand.
He sees and here the cheif yell " Ready..... aim.... then quicly
the first man yells " tornado! and the army and the cheif duck
for cover, while the first man laughes and escapes from them....

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Protecting the Greenhouse

Submitted by spinach on Sun, the 29th of August, 2004, 5:43 am

Please note: No matter how pathetic this story sounds it's
actually true.

One day, a man saw a stranger on his property. Ready to go to
extreme measures, he pulled out his pistol and stopped the guy
at gunpoint and called the police.

When the police arrived the man was still holding a gun to the
stranger, who turned out to be a college student.

The police offier said, " Put the gun away and tell me the story.

The man said, " Well officer, I...

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Stupid as in not Smart #3

Submitted by Amber L Marriott on Thu, the 12th of December, 2002, 1:53 am

AT & T fired president John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $ 2 6 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting, " Please come out and
give yourself up!

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.

A 9 - year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week
- - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him " jump higher.

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days
for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest
Mann reiterated the school's " zero-tolerance " policy ( not to be
confused with the " zero-intelligence " policy ).

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
that destroyed a $ 1 2 7, 0 0 home last month - a short in the
homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. " This
is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner,
" when someone broke in and stole my new security system.

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"True" Stories of Stupid People

Submitted by Scott Anderson on Fri, the 4th of March, 2005, 2:35 am

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote, " This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag. While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed
the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,
he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said " OK " and left. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

4 5 - year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after
a mechanic reported to police that 1 8 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had
brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,
Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 3 3, was arrested recently in Providence, R. I.,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing
the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained
$ 8 0 0 in PENNIES, weighed 3 0 pounds each, and slowed him to a
stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped
him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a " bulge " in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same
jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could
see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be
released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6, 4 0
pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court this week when he
fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said
Newton, 4 7, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, " I should...

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Stupid Criminals

Submitted by Laura M E on Thu, the 24th of February, 2005, 10:07 am

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina:
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.

A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,
he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

A German " tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know
what a " handicap " is. The customs official asks the tourist to
demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial
amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

A company called " Guns For Hire " stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 4 7 - year-old
woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4 - 1 / 2
years in jail.

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $ 9 6 0 0 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a * forged * check. He got 1 0 years.

( Location Unknown ):...

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