Australians NEVER die...
they just stay down under
Australians NEVER die...
say out loud for full effect!
Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde...
One day an english bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.
The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back....
One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the town
begins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to
flee. But in a church a prriest sits on the alter and does not
move. A man runs up to him.
Man- " Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you ".
Priest- No, there is no need for me to flee for the lord will
provide and he will save me ".
Man- " Suit yourself "
A few hours later the water has risen up to the alter where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest.
Man- " Father come quickly "...
There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, " my country is the best cause we have the great
The Greenlander said, " no, mine is the best as we have the...
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.
The Italian says, " When i have finished making love to my girl,
she levitates six inches from the bed.
The Frenchman says, " That's nothing! After 6 hours...
An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, " What's the quickest way...
One day, Bill the duck hunter was out on the border of New South
Wales and Victoria shooting ducks. He was having a really good
day, he'd already bagged 6 or 7 ducks and a park ranger came up
" Did you realise that its not duck season in Victoria anymore
mate. said the ranger.
" I shot these ducks in New South Wales! Bill replied swiftly.
The ranger then said, " Thats irrelivant if the ducks are from
Victoria, throw me one of the ducks, im an expert and i'll be
able to tell you if its from Victoria, or New South Wales.
Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and
threw him the first duck. The ranger then proceeded to part the
ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight
up the ducks arse. He then sniffed his finger and called back,
( I REALLY WONDER HOW THE PEOPLE IN TOURISM REMAINS SANE??????
Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may
* Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )
( Face North and you should be about right )
* Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? ( Sweden )
( And accomplish what?
* Do tents exist in Australia? ( Germany )
( Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and
most national parks...
* Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )
( Yes. At Christmas.
* Are there places in Australia where you can make love
outdoors? ( Italy )
( Yes. Outdoors.
* Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
( Yes, except in America.
* I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true
and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones?
( Italy )
( Sure, there's only 8 million of them )
* I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 2 0 th. Will I
turn blue? ( Germany )
( More likely brown, considering the effluent...
* Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
( Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this
question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any
* Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
( Depends on how much beer you've consumed...
* I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which
direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth -
to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? ( Germany )
( Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being
held in Sydney.
* I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I
follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
( Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have
started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the
* It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed porpoise. ( Italy )...
Be careful what you wear ( or don't wear ), when working under
your vehicle... especially in public.
From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer...