Just thousands of funny jokes

business & work

Jesus's Car

Submitted by cool sal on Fri, the 22nd of July, 2005, 1:18 am

What kind of Car does Jesus Drive?

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( category: business & work -> other )


Submitted by stemo on Sat, the 10th of May, 2003, 3:48 am

OK, we all know that 6 6 6 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know about:

6 6 0
Approximate number of the Beast

Roman numeral of the Beast

6 6 6. 0 0 0
Number of the High Precision Beast

0. 6 6
Number of the Millibeast

/ 6 6 6
Beast Common Denominator

( - 6 6 6 ) ^ ( 1 / 2 )
Imaginary number of the Beast

6. 6 e 3
Floating point Beast

1 0 1 0 0 1 1 0 1 0
Binary of the Beast

6, uh... what was that number again?
Number of the Blonde Beast

1 - 6 6 6
Area code of the Beast

0 0 6 6 6
Zip code of the Beast

6 6 6 mph
The speed limit of the Beast

$ 6 6 5. 5
Retail price of the Beast

$ 6 9 9. 5
Price of the Beast plus 5 % state sales tax

$ 7 6 9. 5
Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$ 6 5 6. 6
Walmart price of the Beast...

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( category: business & work -> other )

Commuters Lament

Submitted by Matt R Dube on Fri, the 10th of November, 2000, 5:36 pm

Varily I sayeth unto thee, " Iseth it me, or doest the language
of ancient scripture givest thee a migrane too?

Last week, someone told me that the only proper way of
addressing God in personal prayer was with archaic form, as in
" Spareth me thy unspeakable wrath, Oh Lord, for I am butteth a
worm, yea even unto a small one.

Not even. How I talk to God is my business. Which, by the way, I
have been doing a lot lately. Anyone who commutes to and frometh
work along the Wasatch Front has probably been praying in their
own way. Or at least calling on the name of God a lot.

Speaking of whicheth, someone sent me a copy of the " Commuter's
Lament. It's written in spiritual grammar, so it must work.

Harken unto my voice, all of you, and learn from my misfortune.
For I have dallied too long over " Good Morning America " and now
I pay the price. Yea, verily, it is rush hour.

And though I falleth upon my steering wheel and weep most
piteously, I goeth not forward upon the highway. And lo! There
is a wailing and gnashing of teeth, for clients do await me at
the office, and my boss doth curse my name most horribly.

And woe unto us all who do travel in the valley of the shadow of
road construction. For, verily, I am stopped near the
Machine-That-Makes-Pounding-Noises-For-No-Reason, and soon the
pain in my head is...

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( category: business & work -> other )

Pilot in Hell

Submitted by Steven Miller on Tue, the 30th of April, 2002, 1:22 pm

A pilot crashes during a flight and goes to hell. There Satan
appears in front of three doors and says, " You can choose
between any of these doors as your eternal fate. I'll be back
once you've decided. He goes away in a puff of smoke.

In the first door, the pilot sees a man having to do tons of
pre-flight checks for all eternity. He shudders and looks
through the second door, which depicts a pilot out of fuel and
going down, but...

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( category: business & work -> other )

Genesis 1 - for Creationists

Submitted by Ben C Bays on Tue, the 5th of April, 2005, 8:11 am

In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday,
July 4, 4 0 0 4 B. C. And God said, let there be light; and there
was light. And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it
was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big
Job to do.

And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and
pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon
tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals
made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was
that, for the first Work Day.

And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he
had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be
divided from earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we
have made in the earth; but not too deep. And God buried all the
Things which he had made, and that was that. And the morning and
the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear;
and that was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and
the water called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put
he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he
thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding
anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he
Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise all that was
in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land,
called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been
a long day; which he called Wednesday.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or
without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and
all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For
lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the
earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small,
with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and
fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful
and multiply and Evolve Not.

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( category: business & work -> other )

The Greatest Son Of All

Submitted by Hysteria82 on Fri, the 18th of April, 2003, 7:50 am

3 old women were sitting around talking about how great their
son's were. The first woman says, " I have the best son of all,
he is a preist. Her son walks into the room and all the women
say, " Hello father.

The second...

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( category: business & work -> other )

Ebonics Translator

Submitted by mark m miller on Fri, the 27th of April, 2001, 11:20 pm

Ebonics Phrase English Meaning
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Let's get Jiggy with it. Shall we go Party?
Let's roll to my crib. Shall we go to my house?
Where my Dawgs At? Hello my friends
What the dilly yo? What is going on?
I'm packing heat. I have a gun at the current time
I smoke mad weed. I have used a large amount of marijuana
That was off the hook! That was quite amazing!
That joint was hot! That song was very nice
Phat, your Phat! You are...

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( category: business & work -> education )

Quiz for Weeding Out Induhviduals

Submitted by glenno on Sun, the 24th of February, 2002, 5:47 am

There is much concern that Induhviduals are trying to pass themselves off
as DNRC members. If you are in doubt about a particular person's
Induhviduality, simply administer this IQ quiz ( Induhviduality Quotient ):

1. What is the capital letter in Russia?

2. If 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 x 2 is also 4, what's the big deal about
multiplication anyway?

3. Titanium is:

A. A big boat that sank
B. A vulgar latin term
C. A long-haired performer who plays the ukelele

4. When you close the refrigerator door, what happens to the light inside?

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( category: business & work -> education )

Alien Invasion

Submitted by twatty Wanks on Tue, the 10th of August, 2004, 8:37 pm

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the
Pentagon. " Mr. President, said the four-star general, barely to
contain himself, " there's good news and bad news. " Oh, no,
muttered the President...

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( category: business & work -> other )

Opportunity at Dark Side Consulting Group

Submitted by pl on Sun, the 28th of April, 2002, 3:55 pm

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side
Consulting Group

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting
Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this
position would like galactic travel and possess a complete
understanding of and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a
willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on
intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning
initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating
a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered
space / air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is
also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills
( especially when speaking in menacing whispers ), and would be
action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in
study of the Force ( light side or dark ) is desirable, as would
typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or
significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of
Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with holographic
projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license
( for all classes of ships ), and must show a willingness to give
in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and / or
Jedi mind tricks to control...

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( category: business & work -> other )
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