Just thousands of funny jokes

Grammar Mistake

Submitted by chris magee on Mon, the 26th of May, 2003, 12:47 pm

This was an actual message on the top of an ice cream truck:
Instead of " Slow, Children At Play ", this was put on...

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5 things a guy would never say

Submitted by Richie Vivian on Wed, the 24th of July, 2002, 2:26 am

1. Hey would you like to send the day at the outlet mall?
2. Oh My God!!! you got your nails done
3. Oh no I don't want to go to the football game. Let's stay
home and cuddle.
4. I don't think you have enough shoes....

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( category: sex & gender -> other )

The Red Shirt

Submitted by Cher_94 on Sun, the 22nd of June, 2003, 10:26 pm

A pirate ship was one day being attacked by another ship. The
crew saw this and immediatly notified the captain. " Captain!
they said, " there is an enemy ship approaching! " Very well, he
replied, " bring me my red shirt and we shall go into battle.
The crew obeyed and they fought a long battle and finally won.
The next day the crew approached the captain. " Captain! they
exclaimed, " there are two enemy ships approaching! " Very well,
he said, " bring me my red shirt and we will proceed into
battle. Once again the crew brought him his shirt and they
fought an...

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( category: international -> other )

A Day At the Beach

Submitted by Shannon Swiney on Tue, the 8th of July, 2003, 8:43 pm

One day a man decides to go to the beach. Not just any beach,
but a nudist beach. After he arrives, he finds a soft patch of
sand, lays out his towel, and settles in, reading a magazine.
Five minutes later, a young boy of about five, walks over and
asks: " What is that? The man, startled by the shrill voice,
answered, obviously annoyed, " That is my duck. The boy
replies, " Can I play with her? The man goes, " No, go away.
Another five minutes pass, and the boy returns to him, asking a
similar-yet-different question: " What are those? The man rolls
his eyes and says, " Those are the duck's eggs. The boy asks,
" Can I play with them? The man says again, " No, go away! Yet
another five minutes pass, and the boy comes back. " What is that
hairy thing?, he asks. The man begrudgingly says, " That is the
duck's nest. The boy asks, " Can I play...

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( category: sex & gender -> other )


Submitted by Mike J Bowers on Mon, the 23rd of April, 2001, 3:05 pm

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. " Where did you get
such a rockin' bike? asked the first. The second engineer
replied, " Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said
' Take what you want. " The second engineer nodded approvingly.
" Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit.


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( category: sex & gender -> other )

The Search for the Perfect Woman

Submitted by Bugar on Mon, the 10th of March, 2003, 1:49 am

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a
family. With that as his mission he began searching for the
perfect woman.

After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east
coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who
had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his
breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking
for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, " They're all lookin' to get married,
so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide
which one you wanna marry.

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion. " Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that...

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( category: sex & gender -> other )

Life Stages

Submitted by allie on Tue, the 3rd of September, 2002, 12:55 pm


1 ) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2 ) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
3 ) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4 ) Never ask your 3 - year old brother to hold a tomato.
5 ) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6 ) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7 ) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8 ) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9 ) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
1 0 ) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


1 ) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2 ) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the
time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3 ) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4 ) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
5 ) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6 ) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not...

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( category: sex & gender -> other )

Bad Days

Submitted by missee d on Sun, the 18th of January, 2004, 6:00 pm

Think YOU'RE having a bad day? It seems like some people are
just plain doomed.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief
fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped
down and found himself in the city prison.

* * * * *

In 1 9 7 6 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was
crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a
taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as
Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him,
rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of
gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery
van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured
bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth
vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one
person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes
Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg,
and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would

* * * * *

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo
Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates
were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer
with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A
few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti,
followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train
roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti
on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by
punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner
jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the
motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of
excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the
sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his
car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to
pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates
rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance
companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

* * * * *...

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Jesus And God

Submitted by Andre Cardinal on Tue, the 3rd of May, 2005, 8:33 pm

Jesus and god were playing golf. They come to a long par 5 with
trees and sand traps everywhere. Jesus hits a beautiful shot
straight down the fairway and it lands perfect. God steps up and
hits one off a tree and into a pond. All of a sudden a fish gets

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( category: religion -> christians )

Constipated Owls

Submitted by Tyson Taylor on Thu, the 1st of January, 2004, 12:56 am

What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit

( category: sex & gender -> body & health )